More of China...

So my daily blogging of the trip got a bit off track... Some because we haven't done much that required blogging about, but mostly because we have just been trying to keep the tiny terror safe and well until we can get her home! And that's taking a lot of energy 😆 she's seeming to mellow out some, behavior wise, and has learned some boundaries (we think), and is also well aquainted with the word NO by now 😂. For a few days after we met her, we couldn't really take her anywhere besides walking around with her contained in the stroller, but we've managed a few restaurants now and a few other things with our guide.
Friday, the 18th, we left Hangzhou and flew to Guangzhou, where the American consulate is, to finish up the paperwork needed to bring her to the US. It's so much nicer to be in Guangzhou, we aren't the only strange looking Americans to be stared at! The Chinese aren't shy about staring.
Tomorrow, Tuesday the 22nd, is our consulate appointment, and then we wait for Zuris visa to be picked up and delivered to us. And then we come home on Friday!! I am missing the 5 children at home so much! Plus it's not like a sauna at home. Guangzhou is a tropical climate, and so humid. I can't even imagine being here in the dead of summer... Plus China doesn't seem to be real big on air conditioning😓 And I really like air conditioning.
Today (Monday) we went to Shamian Island, and walked down Pedestrian street, was pretty fun. Also got to see the herb market ( think dried worms, snakes, scorpions,ect.) Interesting. And all the pics from that are on the camera :(
We ate supper at pizza hut, Mathan got duck pizza, while I played it safe with a nice Cobb salad!

We leave the hotel at 7:45 am Friday to go to the train station to take the train to Hong Kong to fly home. We fly from Hong Kong to Dallas, then from Dallas to Denver, get in at Denver around 8 PM on Friday, spend the night there, then fly out of Denver to Hays at 10am on Sat. To say we are ready to get home is a bit of an understatement!  We are also dreading the flights home just a little... our girl is not known for her patient quiet sitting. Pretty sure there will be a plane load of people that will be glad to never see us again. 

China day 3--meet Zuri day!

We have her! After all that paperwork, some tears, and lots of frustrations, we have her on our arms. She is spunky and on the go constantly, but sweet and charming also. Pretty sure she's not used to being told no 😰 

 

This was very soon after meeting her, she was unsure about us. Everytime we picked her up for a little while she would just go limp. She has relaxed so much just the few hours she's been with us though. 

On the way back to the motel with her, she just crashed. She went from not hardly sitting still to just asleep in about 30 seconds!

She loves the bathtub, and is very quick and smart 😂 I gave her a bath and she threw a fit about getting out. She had her PJs on and was ready for bed, and the next thing I knew she was back in the bathtub with her PJs on and water running! She doesn't miss much and will copy everything she sees us doing.

Most of our pictures from today are on the camera, so I can't share them yet, but once we're home and I'm not blogging from a cell phone, I intend to post them! 

China--day 2.

This was an interesting day! We felt much more refreshed and ready to go exploring. We located McDonald's, KFC, and pizza hut.. So we feel pretty good about that :) Hangzhou is a popular tourist destination, and has a beautiful lake called west lake. We explored there for awhile and took a boat ride to an island where there was some little stores and things to look at. While there we had some interesting experiences... while walking up to the lake a young boy came up to us and said his name was Leo and he was 9 years old, and could he have a talk with us? We said sure and said we were from America and he said "yes I know". We really stick out :) we had some young people come up and want to take their picture with us... The most interesting of all though was when a group of men came up to us, 6-7 of them, and we talked to them for quite awhile. We were told we looked like a match made in heaven :) and when they found out we had 5 children at home and were there to adopt another one, they were very impressed. Then Mathan told them that I stayed home and took care of the children and that I also sewed my dresses...I was told I must be a domestic goddess😂 they said the Chinese girls should learn from me and that Mathan is a lucky man, lol. They were very kind, and extremely good for my ego :)

Mathan had an interesting experience with a squatty potty also...:)

 

China is a mixture of old and new, modern and ancient. It's a beautiful country.

China--day 1.

We made it to Shanghai in one piece, exhausted but so glad to be off that plane! Welcome to Shanghai!
                       
After 14 hrs on planes, a 1 hr long car ride from the airport to the train station, complete with carsickness, a 1 hr bullet train ride and another 40 min long ride to the hotel... We were ready to crash! Our guide got us checked in and then left... And we realized we were hungry... So we ventured out on our own, not feeling overly brave and managed to find a little to eat.

meat on a stick :)   

Then we went back to our motel and crashed for the night!

We can see the Finish line!

A few more weeks ( 5 to be exact) and we`ll be on our way to meet our girl! So many thoughts and emotions when I think about this. I think "peacefully terrified" sums up how I`m feeling! I feel so at peace with what we`re doing, and its good and its right. But at the same time, its unsettling, and I`m unsure how the transition will go...will she like us? How hard will she grieve? We want her to grieve, as terrible as that sounds, because it means that she was attached to her caregiver and will be more likely to bond to us, but the thought of her grieving and feeling so lost and unsettled makes my heart ache. Adoption is a beautiful hard mess. Of loss and new life, bound up in grief and joy. She has another mommy out there in China, somewhere, who I feel like loves her and is hoping she is loved and taken care of. She wasn`t abandoned until she was 2 months old, which tells me that someone tried to take care of her. For us to be given the gift of this daughter, someone else has suffered loss. And Zuri, above all, has suffered such a hard loss of her biological family.  Adoption is never plan A, it never should be plan A...but it can be a beautiful plan B.

We look back and can see a bit of the story God is writing, and we are so thankful for His provision and blessings in this story. It has been an humbling, growing experience, one from which we will never recover and never want to recover from. Our hearts have been changed, and broken, and when we see the faces of these innocent children living out their lives in an orphanage, I don`t know that I can ever wish to not know. I`m scared..scared to visit the orphanage in China, and see more faces. I`m scared at the knowledge I`ll carry around, and the faces I`ll see in my dreams and hurt for. Proverbs 24:12 says that "once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don`t know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." And the knowledge of knowing seems like a heavy burden at times, you want to just turn away and live your life like normal, and go on about your busyness...but you can`t. Its there, and it convicts and calls. It would definitely be easier and not cost as much money :) But God doesn`t call us to the "easy and convenient". And He doesn`t call the equipped, He equips the called, scripture bears this out many times! (think of Moses, Paul, Gideon, so many examples) Jesus doesn`t say to take up the heavy painful cross when its a good time for us, or our children are grown, or we have more money, or a bigger house...He asks us to take up the cross when He calls us to it!

So here we are, almost to the end of this journey, and ready to start the beginning of the next, transitioning Zuri into our family! We know this won`t be without its challenges and hard times, but we know that this little person is so worth it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AunwVtcTves&feature=youtu.be

She seems to be a bit of a firecracker :) She loves to eat, likes to play with dolls, loves to climb, and gets upset if her movement is restricted :) Typical 3 yr old!

We Are...Dossier To China!

Its getting real over here. Things are moving right along, faster than we thought it might, actually. Now the paperwork is over and out of the way (well, mostly..)  This envelope represents hours and sweat and tears...literally. When people talk about adoption paperwork....they aren`t kidding.  I am so GLAD to have this out of my possession and finally in China.

Now the fun preparations can start...like decorating her bedroom, buying cute new (to me) clothes for Zuri to wear...trying to get our remodel project done so we don`t have to worry about that later. If we don`t hit any major delays in China issuing the final approvals, we could be traveling as early as the last part of October. And thats really not that far away!

We`re trusting God that the last bit of funding will be in our hands, and there will be no delays with that. We have applied to several grants and are waiting to hear back now. From funds we had raised previously and our own personal funds, we went into this only lacking around $10000.00. Which seems like a large amount, but when compared to the whole cost of the adoption..well, it feels good to have had that much to put towards it.

So now...we get to sit back and wait for China to do their thing! I`ve waited 2 years to say those words.. "dossier to China" and it just feels really really good. But also scary. Things are going to change soon beyond what we can even know how to prepare for. Oh, we`ve done the training and the reading and have prepared as best we can..but until we actually step into this new reality and go get our girl in China...well, there doesn`t seem to be any more preparing to do, except to just DO it. And thats the scary part :) We are excited and peaceful about the changes coming (or else we wouldn`t be doing this) but the unknown is always just a little scary!

And for your viewing pleasure, because she`s just so cute....these are older pictures, but hoping to get updated pictures soon!

Happy Happy News!!

It is with much happiness and excitement that I get to resurrect this blog for its original use...ADOPTION :) The last year has been filled with much change and tears and new beginnings of life with Poppi....but still the conviction and the longing and the knowing that there is another child waiting was still strong. And wouldn`t you know....God works in quiet mysterious ways to accomplish His plan. Its funny to me, and you`d think I would`ve realized by now that Gods miracles are pretty much never the big grand "show" that I`m looking for. No...they seem to be much quieter and less noticed...at least for me anyways :) Suffice it to say, we are again in a position to move forward with our adoption. The little girl that we had hoped to adopt is no longer available, but thats okay, because she has a FAMILY and a MOMMY and DADDY coming for her! And thats all that matters.


We have, however, been matched with the cutest, sweetest, happiest little girl...She will be 3 in August...we have named her Zuri, and she is rocking  the 21st chromosome! In the videos we have of her, she seems very spirited and energetic, so we`ll probably have our hands full once she`s home :) We have completed our homestudy and are now waiting for USCIS approval, which means that the USA will approve us as adoptive parents and let us bring a child into the US. And as soon as thats done, we`ll be sending our dossier to China. As it looks right now, we could possible travel as early as October, but that depends on everything moving along with no big delays in processing and approvals. God has this, and the timing is in His hands, so we`ll just sit back and let Him work it out for us :) 

                                  Meet Zuri! This is an older picture, but below is a recent video of her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQvCJc1OlsY&feature=youtu.be

There has been many unknowns to us on this journey and it has had really hard moments and discouragements.  But also many  uplifting joy filled moments, of seeing what God has been doing behind the scenes and working this all out. I find myself waiting for the "bad" things to happen in this process, but there have just been a few very minor hiccups. I have to continually remind myself that this is Gods doing and His work, and He will work it all out. Its not all done and completed yet but there seems to be no reason that we will not be able to complete this adoption :) Thank you to everyone that has reached out and encouraged us, it really meant a lot!

Praying that God will bless your days!

Poppi Jane

Poppi Jane...born August 20th, 2015....after a 2 hour labor :) A 6# 8oz, 19.5" bundle of love.

Whew! I`ve had 4 babies before her, but I`ve been increasingly nervous with each one, and she was no exception. And the nervousness was increased 10 fold when we got to the hospital to check in for the induction and were told that "the labor and delivery rooms are all full and we`ll call you when we have a room. Oh and no eating or drinking while you wait." Gah. We were 2 hrs from home, so we couldn`t just go home and wait!  It could be 2 hrs, 4 hrs, who knew?! And I was sick from not eating and nerves, and getting a nice big headache...but miraculously 45 min later they called (we were in the hospital cafeteria, where I was watching Mathan eat a nice big plate of biscuits and gravy) and said they had a room ready. Yay! 
So...we got up there and at 11:16 am, we met our beautiful new daughter, a gift from God, who makes no mistakes. We are so thankful for her safe arrival. 

She is well loved by her siblings and doesn`t get a lot of time to lay by herself :) We are all doing well, and it seems unreal that she is already 3 weeks old.

 2 days old, waiting to go home...

 So...here we are, starting to get a "new" normal established, which hasn`t been quite as bad as I thought it might be :) The older 3 go to school, so its just me and Jurnie and bebe dear during the day. That kindof seems like a vacation sometimes :)
I`ve struggled a bit again since she`s been born,  with all the changes the last 9 months have brought...but trying to hold onto what I know, that God is good, even when it hurts, and He is faithful! My heart and hands are full at the moment, but it sure seems like there is room for more! A certain little girl in Ch*na is still waiting for her family, and that makes my heart hurt for her still. But God knows! 

Blessings!
 

Every Child Has A Dream...to Belong and Be Loved

So...today I want to share something that is close to my heart! Every Child Has A Dream....it`s an adoption grant organization started by a young family with a heart for the fatherless, and a dream to help adoptive families with the expense of bringing a child into their family. They have worked hard to get this started and funds raised, and they have successfully gave out 2 grants to families! You can check out their website here http://www.everychildhasadream.com/ to learn about their work and the inspiration behind what they are doing. The grant requirements are Christian families with no prior divorce history in either spouse. While they aren`t opposed to helping families adopting young healthy children or infants, the greater focus is given to those adopting children with special needs or sibling sets.
 They have an Etsy shop,
 https://www.etsy.com/shop/EveryChildHasADream?page=1, which has several different things for sale, and I personally have bought some of their items and love them! Take a look, and you`ll probably see something you would like, and what better way to spend your money?! You can also find them on Facebook, check it out and "like" the page, Every Child Has A Dream,https://www.facebook.com/EveryChildHasADreamAdoptionGrantMinistry?fref=ts  so you can keep up with what they`re doing! They have a couple of fundraisers coming up so keep your eyes out for them.
Adoption is heartbreak and redemption, hope and brokenness, messy and hard...but I believe it is so worth it. I can personally attest to being deep into the process, and feeling so wrung out and trying not to worry about where all the finances would come from....just to know that there are ministeries out there that are willing to help ease the financial burden a bit....that means so much. It was actually a blog post wrote by Anna, who is one half of the manpower behind all the hours spent to make this happen,  here at http://moremudpiesandtutus.blogspot.com/?m=0 that spurred us on to make our dream become a reality, and opened our hearts to special needs adoption.
If you feel led, share this blog post, pray about supporting their ministry, search your heart to see if adoption is something you feel led to. There are so so many children waiting, just waiting, to be seen and loved.
Blessings on your week!

In the waiting...

Oh the waiting! Waiting to see what God is doing, what He`s going to do...sometimes I have a feeling of anticipation, to see how God will work this all out. Because it sure seems like He`s going to have to work a pretty big miracle! And the trusting...trust is hard for me. Period. And waiting is hard also :) I know when we were knee deep into the process and fundraising, I would see Gods provision and blessing...just not always in the way I thought it would be. Its funny, how we think that Gods blessings and miracles will be great miraculous things, when a lot of times it seems like they are so quiet we maybe don`t realize what it is at first.Maybe the miracle won`t be what I`m hoping it will be, but maybe a quieter miracle worked in my own heart.

But.

I`m finding God in the waiting, even though a lot of times it just feels like I`m all alone with this incredible grief and (sometimes) anger. Not just grief and sadness over the little girl that will never be ours, but also over what feels like the loss of a dream. Oh, we still have that dream, its just going to take a lot more work and trust than what we first thought. Maybe it will be soon (oh, how I hope) or maybe it will take many more years to see fruition. Only God knows! I try to be okay and trust God, and sometimes, I am successful, other times not so much. Other times the hurt and bewilderment and yes, anger, over how it has all turned out makes me ask WHY, and cry lots of tears. I can see God in this, but not how I thought it would be. I have a reluctant acceptance of things, and I *want to trust that God will work good out of all my feelings... I think its something like my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Oh, so weak!

Honestly?

Mostly its okay, deep down, but sometimes its not. Its just always there, close to the surface, and then it just comes out. And I know that this hurt is nothing compared to what others are walking through and I tell myself that it could be so much worse. And sometimes I feel so...I don`t know, like I need to just get over it! So I`m trying :)

And now, time is moving on, and I`m 18 weeks pregnant, still sick a good bit, tired (obviously, who isn`t when pregnant) and hoping my heart issue would maybe let up a bit so I could have a bit more energy. And still waiting on that burst of energy and feeling good that`s supposed to accompany the 2nd trimester?! I think it may be passing me by... But otherwise, its going well, and my heart is starting to open up to this child I`m carrying. Atley is praying "PLEASE let it be a boy" and the girls are just excited that a real live tiny baby will be coming to live at our house :) Mama is just praying for a happy baby that will sleep! And they are all still praying every night, "help us to adopt another little girl" which still makes my heart hurt a bit at those words.

And for your viewing enjoyment, a picture, so you can all see how big I`m getting :)

So we go on, one day at a time, trusting and hoping that God will make His plan known in His time. And trusting that He in knitting this child together in His perfection. The verse that says "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to His purpose" has taken on a new meaning for me. 

Blessings on your week!

Hard things...

So this is a tough post to write, in more ways than one. As you know, we were so excited for Mathans 30th birthday, because then we would be able to start actively looking for our little girl. Well, that came and went, and we found the most perfect little girl. She was so cute and perfect and I just loved her (still do) so so much. She felt like "my" little girl. So we went about the business of getting our paperwork ready to send to China, requesting permission to adopt her, and had it all ready in less than 24 hrs!! We weren`t letting any grass grow under OUR feet!!
Fast forward a few days....we become aware of a very unplanned and pretty shocking event to happen in our lives. Baby # 5 will be joining our family in August. There, I said it. I`ve been trying to be in denial over everything that has happened so quickly but theres no denying it anymore. So because of the pregnancy and some other factors, we lost our wonderful little girl. We can`t move forward with her adoption at this time. I won`t say that I understand or want it to be like this, my preference wouldn`t be this road. Its been rough, that`s maybe an understatement. On top of grieving this little girl, who felt like my own and was loved SO MUCH already, I have been pretty sick with morning sickness, which is pretty much all day sickness. I have so many questions for God, most of which I`ll probably never have an answer to. I was so angry...I worked through that and now I`m kindof at the trying to accept part. I know deep down in my heart that God is good, always, my brain just doesn`t always get the memo. I also feel like that for God to give us this baby, right now, at this point in time, knowing we would lose our little girl, it must be a really special child. I`m just going to be blunt and honest, because this is what I`m working through...I`m having trouble accepting this pregnancy...I know how that sounds, I know..its just the truth and I`m working through it. So prayers for that would be most welcome.
We still feel led to adoption, and after the baby is born we will assess everything and more than likely start the process back up. My heart is towards adoption, I believe in it so much. Part of me has questioned God as to why it is better to bring another child into this world, than for us to bring a child into a home that has no home or family right now. I can`t see the answer to this question yet, and maybe never will but I have to trust that God is working something out for our good. Someone shared a quote with me that made me sit back and think and gave me hope..."Don`t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I`m going to remember this.
I know there will be some questions regarding the money that people have so generously shared with us to bring our child home....at this time we still feel like there will be an adoption. It`ll just be a little longer down the road than we anticipated. If we come to a point where we feel we probably aren`t going to try again, we will return the money that we know who to give back to, and the rest we will pass onto another family that is adopting. If anyone has questions about this, please feel free to contact us. We want to be good stewards of what was given to us.
So in closing, we would ask for prayers as we work through this...this isn`t what we would have chosen but it`s where God has us for now. I would also ask for prayers for the little girl, that another family would see her and choose her, that she would have a family that will love her so much and teach her about Jesus. I can`t bear the thought of her staying in an orphanage, she needs to be loved. It hurts my heart to think about her, but I know God has a plan for her life also. I had bought some things for her...they have been put away and I don`t know if they will ever be gotten back out or not. Part of the reason I haven`t wanted to share this news with anyone is because I haven`t been in a good place to talk about the adoption or the pregnancy. Its coming but its still hard to talk about. If anyone has any questions please ask us, we will share. It literally feels like I lost one of my children that is here at home even though I never saw her in person or got to hold her. And thats probably what hurts the most, I`ll never get to see her, or cuddle her, or see her meet her siblings, who have prayed for her every night for a long time. I won`t get to see her meet her grandparents or her little cousins. But I will pray for her, that she will recieve all those things in another family.
Thanks for listening and if you feel to pray we would appreciate it!
Blessings on your week!

So close...and a heavy heart

Things are happening, and moving right along...F.i.N.a.L.l.Y We are very close to submitting for Pre approval, and having a face and name to call our own. Just waiting on that pesky 30th birthday, that Ch*ina seems to require....I have a young husband, lol! Only 13 more days til that happy event! And barring any further complications, our homestudy will be done and sent flying on its way to USCIS, (immigration, to give us approval to bring a child into the US) by the end of the month, with lots of prayer for good things to happen quickly. (except, I`m not really sure that the word *quickly* can be used for any part of this process, but one can hope, right?!) And after that?! We will be DTC!! (Dossier to Ch*na, which all of our Very Important Papers, for Ch*na to approve) It`s really seeming real now, and not just something vague that we`re working towards.

     And the heavy heart...it`s really hit me just how many waiting children there are...not just in Ch*na, but all across the world. And how in the world can you pick just one child out of the many that deserve the same chance to have a family??!!  And,  honestly, one of the things I`m most worried about is how wrecked I will be to go get my daughter...and see all the children I`m leaving behind, in horrible living conditions, and without the love of a mommy and daddy. The orphanages are overflowing, there are soo many children, with DS alone, just waiting and waiting for a family. It breaks my heart to think that the majority of them will never be chosen to come home. Just look at these faces...waiting and waiting...and this is a very very small majority! http://waitingchildinfo.com/category/down-syndrome/ I`m also sad that there even exists such societies that choose to abandon children that aren`t "perfect". We`re only adopting one child, and sometimes that seems like just a drop in the bucket (and it is!) and hardly even worthwhile, and won`t  even make a difference. But it WILL make a difference, in her life, definitely in our lives,  and maybe even in someone elses life.  And there will be ONE LESS ORPHAN, and I just have to remind myself that that`s one less than there would be otherwise.
Watch these videos... how can a heart not be stirred to see the plight?! It makes me hurt so badly to think of any child in these conditions...Bulgarian orphan baby struggles on and this one,God of Justice, Adoption awareness
Blessings on your week!

Fundraiser supper!

We managed to successfully pull off a Mexican themed fundraiser supper, on Sept. 13th, with the help of some very nice friends! There is no way we could have done it without all of the people that were willing to make food and help out the night of the supper. It was fun planning it and setting it all up and I would do it again! God blessed us so much that night, not only with the money that was donated but with all of the support we felt. I don`t have a lot of pictures, because I didn`t take a single one, but I have a few thanks to a friend that was there helping out.

We grilled the tortillas for the fajitas...and these are part of the grill team :)

We put chips and 4 kinds of dips down the tables. The dips were Guacamole, Queso Blanco, Pineapple salsa and Regular salsa, all freshly made and delicious!

For dessert, we did an icecream sundae bar, and dipped out cups of icecream to set on the cake plates.

Our menu for the Mexican meal was a buffet of Beef Fajitas, Chicken Tacos, Chicken Enchilada casserole, Cilantro lime Rice, Green Chile Rice, and all the yummy toppings that make it so good! Plus the chips and dips on the tables.

We had paper lanterns hanging above the food tables, even though you can`t see them in this pic...they were pretty cute, if I do say so myself :)

We served around 110 people, and it was so fun seeing everyone who came through the line! 

The pictures on this table came at a great price...my sis-in-law, Betsy, took these, and did an awesome job (as usual!) But in the process of taking the pics, we got into some poision ivy or poision sumac...4 weeks later some of us are still itching :( It took 2 rounds of steroids to get me kinda back to normal, I had the pleasure of having an allergic reaction to the allergic reaction, and had hives all over...resulting in a Dr visit. Then a week later Chloe got it about as bad as me, and mine was starting to flare up again, so back to the Dr I went with her. Long story short....I`m never going back to the old lake, ever! That was the longest 3 weeks of my life, until I felt kinda normal again!!! Our whole family was on steroids, Mathan had it kinda bad also, and the other 3 kids started breaking out and I panicked and just put them all on the steroids to help them not get as bad as Chloe and I . Chloe missed 2 1/2 days of school over that whole deal. It was like no poision ivy I`ve ever had :) Someday we may laugh about it...but I just can`t do that yet! 

We had $6000 that we were working towards to move on to the next step in the process...and we are down to only needing $2000 of that...slowly but surely it`s coming :) I get impatient but then am reminded that God is in control and it will happen in His timing. This $6000 will get our Dossier to China...and after that we will be working on funds for the rest of the process. Getting our dossier to China is a major step, and it will feel so good to have that part over with :) Anyone who has done this knows what I`m talking about!!! And then when December gets here and Mathan FINALLY turns 30, we can be matched with a child. Until he turns 30 we can`t submit anything to China, because both parents have to be 30....I don`t know about him, but I`ve been impatiently waiting his 30th birthday!
So we`re making progress, slowly but surely!
Much Thanks to everyone who helped us pull off this fun evening...it came together very well with all of your help!

Sometimes...

Ya'll....some days life is just HARD. Some days, as a momma, it`s all I can do to make it nicely through the day. (and mostly...mostly, I fail at the nicely part. In a very big way.) I see my failings oh so clearly, and they look so big and ugly.
And I wonder how and why I think that I can add a child with different needs than I have ever dealt with into this chaos we call life... maybe we`ll inadvertently do more harm than good! I despair at the whole adoption process, with all the paperwork, and going over and over our finances with the social worker, making sure that she sees the whole picture, not just what`s on paper. And I wonder why we can`t be just a little more wealthy, it would sure make this a lot easier!!  And now figuring out another insurance option, which thanks to obamacare, is very hard to do right now.  My mind rebels, and my heart gets a little stiff, and my attitude takes a big nosedive into the not so nice area. I think this might be the hardest thing I have ever done.
I want to be really clear...I`m not complaining, I chose this. We have a choice, and we`ve chosen the harder of the 2 choices. The thing is, I know we can take care of this little girl when she is home and in our arms. It`s the adoption process I`m not sure I can make it through!!!  In this whole thing, somehow in my mind I feel like that everything always needs to look really good. I don`t feel like I should tell anyone how my day has REALLY went, for fear that I will be asked "then why are you adding another child to your family?"
I`ve come to the realization that it`s these hard times, the days that never seem to end, the paperwork and questions about the adoption that never seem to end, and the uncertainty in trying to make this all come together,  that`s when God works. When I can`t seem to get it together, God works. When I can`t see beyond the long way ahead, and how hard it looks,  He puts peace in my heart and the certainty that it will be okay, and it will be worked out in His timing. And I can see that I NEED this journey in my life, to help me see things differently than I ever have before. I`ve been shown just how much I hold onto material things in this life and how hard it is to let go of some of them, when in the big picture, they don`t matter one little bit!
I know that I can`t add another child with special needs into this family on my own strength...I`m trusting that Jesus will lead me and give me the strength that I will need to be a momma to 5 little children. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has given this desire to us, and He will not let us down. I feel like I`m being stretched so far beyond what I thought was even possible...and I *know, somehow, that this is just the beginning. I`m trusting that God will bring me through to the other side, and I will see Him so much more clearly.
Blessings on your week, Mammas! Keep on keeping on!

From this...to this!

I can`t remember the last time I was so exhausted!! The last week and a half or two weeks have been spent getting ready for our garage sale and bake sale fundraisers. And thanks to some very nice awesome people we got it all accomplished!

We went from this....a royal mess in our garage...

 ... baked goods lining my counters...

 And yummy cupcakes baked and decorated by an awesome sister in law and friend...(who are much more talented than me)

 These were delicious, by the way :) Just look at that chocolate yumminess...

All of that hard work ended translated into THIS (the lovely picture below)...which represents a large amount of money needed to help us keep the adoption process moving. God is so good and blessed us so much today, by all the helping hands, all the donations of stuff for the garage sale, all the people that said "keep the change" and the extra sets of hands that provided baked goods....It was far more successful than I ever dared to hope!

And now that our garage looks like a garage again, and is able to house a vehicle,  this exhausted momma is going to get comfy and collapse!!!

While We Wait....They Wait.

While we wait for the perfect timing

         They hope they can wait another day.

While we wait for more money

        They wait with nothing.

While we wait for a bigger home with enough room

         They wait for enough room in our hearts.

While we wait for others approval...

        They wait with any dignity they can find.

While we wait for the ideal child

        They wait knowing they are not.

While we wait trying to decide if we can manage another

        They wait trying to manage on their own.

While we wait to see how much we have to give them

        They are waiting to give us even more.

While we wait for GOD to provide

        He waits for us to take the first step so He can.

What are we waiting for?

Text taken from http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/2010/09/while-we-wait.html

Little girl halfway around the world....

I miss her. How can you miss someone you haven`t even seen?? I was making snacks to take to school for Chloes 1/2 birthday ( since her bday is in August, and it`s VERY important to a 2nd grader that her bday be celebrated at school, we do her 1/2 bday ) and it just hit me. I don`t know when my other little girls birthday is yet, and how many birthdays and half birthdays have I missed? My heart hurts for what isn`t here, and everywhere I go I think, She would love this, or What would these people think about her? So weird, right?! :) I can`t wait to celebrate her birthday with her...we might have to have several in a year to make up for all the ones we`ve missed so far!
We have missed so much of her life...and I just want to get all that time back...but since that`s impossible, I`ll just settle for having her for the rest of her life :) Some people question why we would "saddle" ourselves with a handicapped child for the rest of our lives....we don`t feel like we`re giving anything up. We are so excited about the new things she will bring to our family, that we don`t really dwell on the fact that she is a little different, and will depend on us for her whole life. It`s just not that important! So what if we never have an "empty nest"...that might be sorta boring anyhow, don`t you think?!
So, little girl halfway around the world, we are coming for you just as soon as we can! And when we get there, we are going to make up for lost time, with birthday parties and all sorts of things! We just can`t hardly wait, and we trust that God is preparing your heart for all the changes that will come into your life in such a short amount of time when we come for you. I can only imagine how it would feel to be uprooted from everything that is familiar and be thrust so suddenly into the unfamiliar....but we trust that Jesus will make it all okay. And we are trusting that the unfamiliar becomes so much better to you than the familiar ever was...."Adopting one child won`t change the world...but for that one child, the world will change." 
We had our first homestudy visit yesterday...and I was very pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was! I have only good things to say about our agency, Lifeline, and would definitely recommend them to anyone. Prayer is very important to them, and every morning ALL of their staff stops at a certain time and prays for their families who are adopting....if we ever had a prayer need all we`d have to do is tell them and they would be in prayer for us about it. How awesome is that?! Our homestudy visit began and ended with prayer...which meant a lot to us :) 
We are working on our garage sale and bake sale to help raise money for our adoption expenses...I get a little panicky feeling thinking about getting those 2 things pulled together, on top of all the other craziness that goes on around here.....they are on the same day at 2 seperate places...but we have family and friends that are very willing to help, and I know it WILL come together...I just hope I can gracefully come through it!!! I`m pretty bad at looking at the whole big picture instead of taking it one thing and one day at a time...with God all things are possible!

....and it`s CHINA!

I can tell you now what country the shirts will have on them.....CHINA! We just got the call this morning that we are good to go :) And let me tell you, that was one anxiously awaited call. I think my heart stopped beating when I saw the number on my cell phone screen...I knew who was calling and that this was the yes or no moment! I was at the end of myself last night, fed up with the not knowing and long days of waiting to find out if China would give us the waivers or not....and then this morning I had a message from someone that didn`t even know me, wanting to share about an orphanage in China...she didn`t even know that we were thinking of China, she just felt led to share with me. I am so thankful she did...it was like a confirmation before the actual confirmation...but me of little faith, I was still almost too scared to think of it that way! I`m learning that God works in ways that I`m not expecting, and His blessings and answers aren`t usually in the form that I`m looking for :) I`m a slow learner....it`s taken me awhile to understand this :) My heart is so much lighter than it was a few hours ago, and even though I know there is still so much to do and a long ways to go, I am just so thankful to have the direction figured out!

Letting go...

I`m not really sure where to start??!! The last 2 weeks have seen a lot of ups and downs....and lots of different emotions. We started this journey to a little girl in Peru...and we had such excitement and HOPE and it just felt right somehow. Then we learned of another family who also felt led to this little girl and felt that she is their daughter....now we had a dilemma. What to do?! Continue on, knowing that God would place this child in the home He had picked for her and trust if we weren`t her parents that He would show us another child from Peru? Or just stop pursuing her and adoption from Peru altogether? Decisions decisons....we prayed and prayed and begged God to show us which direction we needed to be going. We definitely didn`t want to be in "competition" with anyone over a child, and we just felt pretty torn. Little by little though, we began to feel God saying Let her go....
We both came to the same decision on the same day that we needed to let her go and trust that God would provide. We both felt peace about it...and then it seemed that God confirmed our decision not even 30 minutes later, by something that happened. We are still okay with this, and felt that God had put another direction in our hearts, and another country to go to (that ironically we neither one have ever felt drawn to, and actually didn`t think that the children were all that cute...I repent of this now :) ) We struggled pretty hard against this direction....We are still waiting for the confirmation that this is it, but we are hoping and trusting that God will move the obstacles that stand in this path like He has the others before it.
This https://www.booster.com/mwolfadoption is still going and all I can tell you is that the shirts won`t have Central America on them....but I can`t say yet which country they will have :) Trust me....as soon as this all gets sorted out, I will be shouting it from the rooftops!!
We still feel led to a little girl with Down syndrome, I don`t know why that`s so strong on our hearts, but it is. It`s such a different direction from what I`ve always pictured our adoption looking like, a little brown brother for Atley :) People have asked why we aren`t wanting a boy since Atley is sorta outnumbered :) and I can`t really say for sure why it`s turning out this way, other than I trust that God has worked it out for our good!
I`ve worked through so many emotions this week, some of them I really would rather not be feeling :( but the most prominent one seems to be sorrow and tears. I feel something that I can`t really put into words, concerning our child, who we have yet to see or know about, but it`s heavy and it sits on my heart,  and I cry out to God to take care of our child for me, wherever she might be. It`s hard to imagine missing someone that you can`t even picture, but to me it feels like something is missing, and it`s felt that way for awhile. I have also felt extreme frusturation at the waiting process of getting this all figured out....patience and trust is not my strongest feature...! I still don`t know yet and was really hoping to not go into the weekend not knowing, but I just have to keep trusting that God will work this all out and it will all turn out SO GOOD and RIGHT in the end.
And I also have to say that we are just standing AMAZED at what has happened with the tshirt fundraiser!! We never EVER expected it to raise this much...guess you could say we had pretty little faith. So we just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who felt led to buy a shirt and for all the other donations also. I really can`t say how much it means to know that there are people that support us and are willing to share in this burden. It seems like such a large amount of money to raise somehow, but we are (trying to) trust that God will provide! We are only 4 shirts away from the goal of 50...and that`s just amazing to us. Only God!

Why?? ( and a fundraiser!)

Thanks to Bryan and Betsy Wolf, we have started our first fundraising effort! Betsy designed the shirts and is taking care of it for us. Here is the link if you want to check it out...https://www.booster.com/mwolfadoption. I have to confess, asking for money is not a strong point...it feels very funny and very humbling. But we can`t do this by ourselves, and we are trusting that God will provide the funds in His timing. We are working towards our next agency payment, due in 3-5 months,  plus there will be other adoption expenses in that time too. If anyone has any questions about what we`re doing or why we`re doing it, we are more than glad to talk about it :) The child we are hoping to bring home has Down syndrome and also a congenital heart condition, and we have hopes of being fully funded so that we don`t have to go into a large amount of debt to do this.

 James 1:27 has this to say..."Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."  And James 2:14-17 says this.."What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister ( or child) be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled: not withstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body, what doth it profit?" We can`t save all the orphans in the world, or even make a difference to very many of them....but we can make a difference in ONE childs life, and that`s what we`re attempting to do.

Why do we feel called to do this?
 In other countries, children with Down syndrome or other physical or mental disabilities are looked down on and they are a stigma, better kept away from the view of others. In Eastern Europe,  they are taken straight to an orphanage from the hospital, where they live until they are about 5 years old. Then they are transferred to adult mental institutions, where the living conditions are horrendous and it is said that 95% of these precious children die within a year, because they just can`t survive the conditions they live in. This explains it much better than I ever could, please read it! http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2012/02/power-of-one.html I encourage you to search out and read about the orphan crisis in the world....the statistics will blow you away.
In an orphanage in Africa, this really happened to a little boy, http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-yukky-story-that-must-be-shared.html How awful is this?!?! There is just no way to comprehend it.

Our desire is to make a difference in just ONE childs life, and hopefully more through foster care. We can`t do it all, nor do we feel called to do it all. But with Gods help, we feel called to do this one thing! It doesn`t feel like a sacrifice, even though we are prepared to give up some of our dreams and aspirations....we are just plain excited! There will be, and have been, so many ups and downs and discouragements until we reach the finish line, but our God is faithful and we are trusting Him to carry us every step of the (long) way!