Ya'll....some days life is just HARD. Some days, as a momma, it`s all I can do to make it nicely through the day. (and mostly...mostly, I fail at the nicely part. In a very big way.) I see my failings oh so clearly, and they look so big and ugly.
And I wonder how and why I think that I can add a child with different needs than I have ever dealt with into this chaos we call life... maybe we`ll inadvertently do more harm than good! I despair at the whole adoption process, with all the paperwork, and going over and over our finances with the social worker, making sure that she sees the whole picture, not just what`s on paper. And I wonder why we can`t be just a little more wealthy, it would sure make this a lot easier!! And now figuring out another insurance option, which thanks to obamacare, is very hard to do right now. My mind rebels, and my heart gets a little stiff, and my attitude takes a big nosedive into the not so nice area. I think this might be the hardest thing I have ever done.
I want to be really clear...I`m not complaining, I chose this. We have a choice, and we`ve chosen the harder of the 2 choices. The thing is, I know we can take care of this little girl when she is home and in our arms. It`s the adoption process I`m not sure I can make it through!!! In this whole thing, somehow in my mind I feel like that everything always needs to look really good. I don`t feel like I should tell anyone how my day has REALLY went, for fear that I will be asked "then why are you adding another child to your family?"
I`ve come to the realization that it`s these hard times, the days that never seem to end, the paperwork and questions about the adoption that never seem to end, and the uncertainty in trying to make this all come together, that`s when God works. When I can`t seem to get it together, God works. When I can`t see beyond the long way ahead, and how hard it looks, He puts peace in my heart and the certainty that it will be okay, and it will be worked out in His timing. And I can see that I NEED this journey in my life, to help me see things differently than I ever have before. I`ve been shown just how much I hold onto material things in this life and how hard it is to let go of some of them, when in the big picture, they don`t matter one little bit!
I know that I can`t add another child with special needs into this family on my own strength...I`m trusting that Jesus will lead me and give me the strength that I will need to be a momma to 5 little children. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has given this desire to us, and He will not let us down. I feel like I`m being stretched so far beyond what I thought was even possible...and I *know, somehow, that this is just the beginning. I`m trusting that God will bring me through to the other side, and I will see Him so much more clearly.
Blessings on your week, Mammas! Keep on keeping on!
