Poppi Jane

Poppi Jane...born August 20th, 2015....after a 2 hour labor :) A 6# 8oz, 19.5" bundle of love.

Whew! I`ve had 4 babies before her, but I`ve been increasingly nervous with each one, and she was no exception. And the nervousness was increased 10 fold when we got to the hospital to check in for the induction and were told that "the labor and delivery rooms are all full and we`ll call you when we have a room. Oh and no eating or drinking while you wait." Gah. We were 2 hrs from home, so we couldn`t just go home and wait!  It could be 2 hrs, 4 hrs, who knew?! And I was sick from not eating and nerves, and getting a nice big headache...but miraculously 45 min later they called (we were in the hospital cafeteria, where I was watching Mathan eat a nice big plate of biscuits and gravy) and said they had a room ready. Yay! 
So...we got up there and at 11:16 am, we met our beautiful new daughter, a gift from God, who makes no mistakes. We are so thankful for her safe arrival. 

She is well loved by her siblings and doesn`t get a lot of time to lay by herself :) We are all doing well, and it seems unreal that she is already 3 weeks old.

 2 days old, waiting to go home...

 So...here we are, starting to get a "new" normal established, which hasn`t been quite as bad as I thought it might be :) The older 3 go to school, so its just me and Jurnie and bebe dear during the day. That kindof seems like a vacation sometimes :)
I`ve struggled a bit again since she`s been born,  with all the changes the last 9 months have brought...but trying to hold onto what I know, that God is good, even when it hurts, and He is faithful! My heart and hands are full at the moment, but it sure seems like there is room for more! A certain little girl in Ch*na is still waiting for her family, and that makes my heart hurt for her still. But God knows! 

Blessings!
 

Every Child Has A Dream...to Belong and Be Loved

So...today I want to share something that is close to my heart! Every Child Has A Dream....it`s an adoption grant organization started by a young family with a heart for the fatherless, and a dream to help adoptive families with the expense of bringing a child into their family. They have worked hard to get this started and funds raised, and they have successfully gave out 2 grants to families! You can check out their website here http://www.everychildhasadream.com/ to learn about their work and the inspiration behind what they are doing. The grant requirements are Christian families with no prior divorce history in either spouse. While they aren`t opposed to helping families adopting young healthy children or infants, the greater focus is given to those adopting children with special needs or sibling sets.
 They have an Etsy shop,
 https://www.etsy.com/shop/EveryChildHasADream?page=1, which has several different things for sale, and I personally have bought some of their items and love them! Take a look, and you`ll probably see something you would like, and what better way to spend your money?! You can also find them on Facebook, check it out and "like" the page, Every Child Has A Dream,https://www.facebook.com/EveryChildHasADreamAdoptionGrantMinistry?fref=ts  so you can keep up with what they`re doing! They have a couple of fundraisers coming up so keep your eyes out for them.
Adoption is heartbreak and redemption, hope and brokenness, messy and hard...but I believe it is so worth it. I can personally attest to being deep into the process, and feeling so wrung out and trying not to worry about where all the finances would come from....just to know that there are ministeries out there that are willing to help ease the financial burden a bit....that means so much. It was actually a blog post wrote by Anna, who is one half of the manpower behind all the hours spent to make this happen,  here at http://moremudpiesandtutus.blogspot.com/?m=0 that spurred us on to make our dream become a reality, and opened our hearts to special needs adoption.
If you feel led, share this blog post, pray about supporting their ministry, search your heart to see if adoption is something you feel led to. There are so so many children waiting, just waiting, to be seen and loved.
Blessings on your week!

In the waiting...

Oh the waiting! Waiting to see what God is doing, what He`s going to do...sometimes I have a feeling of anticipation, to see how God will work this all out. Because it sure seems like He`s going to have to work a pretty big miracle! And the trusting...trust is hard for me. Period. And waiting is hard also :) I know when we were knee deep into the process and fundraising, I would see Gods provision and blessing...just not always in the way I thought it would be. Its funny, how we think that Gods blessings and miracles will be great miraculous things, when a lot of times it seems like they are so quiet we maybe don`t realize what it is at first.Maybe the miracle won`t be what I`m hoping it will be, but maybe a quieter miracle worked in my own heart.

But.

I`m finding God in the waiting, even though a lot of times it just feels like I`m all alone with this incredible grief and (sometimes) anger. Not just grief and sadness over the little girl that will never be ours, but also over what feels like the loss of a dream. Oh, we still have that dream, its just going to take a lot more work and trust than what we first thought. Maybe it will be soon (oh, how I hope) or maybe it will take many more years to see fruition. Only God knows! I try to be okay and trust God, and sometimes, I am successful, other times not so much. Other times the hurt and bewilderment and yes, anger, over how it has all turned out makes me ask WHY, and cry lots of tears. I can see God in this, but not how I thought it would be. I have a reluctant acceptance of things, and I *want to trust that God will work good out of all my feelings... I think its something like my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Oh, so weak!

Honestly?

Mostly its okay, deep down, but sometimes its not. Its just always there, close to the surface, and then it just comes out. And I know that this hurt is nothing compared to what others are walking through and I tell myself that it could be so much worse. And sometimes I feel so...I don`t know, like I need to just get over it! So I`m trying :)

And now, time is moving on, and I`m 18 weeks pregnant, still sick a good bit, tired (obviously, who isn`t when pregnant) and hoping my heart issue would maybe let up a bit so I could have a bit more energy. And still waiting on that burst of energy and feeling good that`s supposed to accompany the 2nd trimester?! I think it may be passing me by... But otherwise, its going well, and my heart is starting to open up to this child I`m carrying. Atley is praying "PLEASE let it be a boy" and the girls are just excited that a real live tiny baby will be coming to live at our house :) Mama is just praying for a happy baby that will sleep! And they are all still praying every night, "help us to adopt another little girl" which still makes my heart hurt a bit at those words.

And for your viewing enjoyment, a picture, so you can all see how big I`m getting :)

So we go on, one day at a time, trusting and hoping that God will make His plan known in His time. And trusting that He in knitting this child together in His perfection. The verse that says "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to His purpose" has taken on a new meaning for me. 

Blessings on your week!

Hard things...

So this is a tough post to write, in more ways than one. As you know, we were so excited for Mathans 30th birthday, because then we would be able to start actively looking for our little girl. Well, that came and went, and we found the most perfect little girl. She was so cute and perfect and I just loved her (still do) so so much. She felt like "my" little girl. So we went about the business of getting our paperwork ready to send to China, requesting permission to adopt her, and had it all ready in less than 24 hrs!! We weren`t letting any grass grow under OUR feet!!
Fast forward a few days....we become aware of a very unplanned and pretty shocking event to happen in our lives. Baby # 5 will be joining our family in August. There, I said it. I`ve been trying to be in denial over everything that has happened so quickly but theres no denying it anymore. So because of the pregnancy and some other factors, we lost our wonderful little girl. We can`t move forward with her adoption at this time. I won`t say that I understand or want it to be like this, my preference wouldn`t be this road. Its been rough, that`s maybe an understatement. On top of grieving this little girl, who felt like my own and was loved SO MUCH already, I have been pretty sick with morning sickness, which is pretty much all day sickness. I have so many questions for God, most of which I`ll probably never have an answer to. I was so angry...I worked through that and now I`m kindof at the trying to accept part. I know deep down in my heart that God is good, always, my brain just doesn`t always get the memo. I also feel like that for God to give us this baby, right now, at this point in time, knowing we would lose our little girl, it must be a really special child. I`m just going to be blunt and honest, because this is what I`m working through...I`m having trouble accepting this pregnancy...I know how that sounds, I know..its just the truth and I`m working through it. So prayers for that would be most welcome.
We still feel led to adoption, and after the baby is born we will assess everything and more than likely start the process back up. My heart is towards adoption, I believe in it so much. Part of me has questioned God as to why it is better to bring another child into this world, than for us to bring a child into a home that has no home or family right now. I can`t see the answer to this question yet, and maybe never will but I have to trust that God is working something out for our good. Someone shared a quote with me that made me sit back and think and gave me hope..."Don`t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I`m going to remember this.
I know there will be some questions regarding the money that people have so generously shared with us to bring our child home....at this time we still feel like there will be an adoption. It`ll just be a little longer down the road than we anticipated. If we come to a point where we feel we probably aren`t going to try again, we will return the money that we know who to give back to, and the rest we will pass onto another family that is adopting. If anyone has questions about this, please feel free to contact us. We want to be good stewards of what was given to us.
So in closing, we would ask for prayers as we work through this...this isn`t what we would have chosen but it`s where God has us for now. I would also ask for prayers for the little girl, that another family would see her and choose her, that she would have a family that will love her so much and teach her about Jesus. I can`t bear the thought of her staying in an orphanage, she needs to be loved. It hurts my heart to think about her, but I know God has a plan for her life also. I had bought some things for her...they have been put away and I don`t know if they will ever be gotten back out or not. Part of the reason I haven`t wanted to share this news with anyone is because I haven`t been in a good place to talk about the adoption or the pregnancy. Its coming but its still hard to talk about. If anyone has any questions please ask us, we will share. It literally feels like I lost one of my children that is here at home even though I never saw her in person or got to hold her. And thats probably what hurts the most, I`ll never get to see her, or cuddle her, or see her meet her siblings, who have prayed for her every night for a long time. I won`t get to see her meet her grandparents or her little cousins. But I will pray for her, that she will recieve all those things in another family.
Thanks for listening and if you feel to pray we would appreciate it!
Blessings on your week!