A few more weeks ( 5 to be exact) and we`ll be on our way to meet our girl! So many thoughts and emotions when I think about this. I think "peacefully terrified" sums up how I`m feeling! I feel so at peace with what we`re doing, and its good and its right. But at the same time, its unsettling, and I`m unsure how the transition will go...will she like us? How hard will she grieve? We want her to grieve, as terrible as that sounds, because it means that she was attached to her caregiver and will be more likely to bond to us, but the thought of her grieving and feeling so lost and unsettled makes my heart ache. Adoption is a beautiful hard mess. Of loss and new life, bound up in grief and joy. She has another mommy out there in China, somewhere, who I feel like loves her and is hoping she is loved and taken care of. She wasn`t abandoned until she was 2 months old, which tells me that someone tried to take care of her. For us to be given the gift of this daughter, someone else has suffered loss. And Zuri, above all, has suffered such a hard loss of her biological family. Adoption is never plan A, it never should be plan A...but it can be a beautiful plan B.
We look back and can see a bit of the story God is writing, and we are so thankful for His provision and blessings in this story. It has been an humbling, growing experience, one from which we will never recover and never want to recover from. Our hearts have been changed, and broken, and when we see the faces of these innocent children living out their lives in an orphanage, I don`t know that I can ever wish to not know. I`m scared..scared to visit the orphanage in China, and see more faces. I`m scared at the knowledge I`ll carry around, and the faces I`ll see in my dreams and hurt for. Proverbs 24:12 says that "once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don`t know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." And the knowledge of knowing seems like a heavy burden at times, you want to just turn away and live your life like normal, and go on about your busyness...but you can`t. Its there, and it convicts and calls. It would definitely be easier and not cost as much money :) But God doesn`t call us to the "easy and convenient". And He doesn`t call the equipped, He equips the called, scripture bears this out many times! (think of Moses, Paul, Gideon, so many examples) Jesus doesn`t say to take up the heavy painful cross when its a good time for us, or our children are grown, or we have more money, or a bigger house...He asks us to take up the cross when He calls us to it!
So here we are, almost to the end of this journey, and ready to start the beginning of the next, transitioning Zuri into our family! We know this won`t be without its challenges and hard times, but we know that this little person is so worth it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AunwVtcTves&feature=youtu.be
She seems to be a bit of a firecracker :) She loves to eat, likes to play with dolls, loves to climb, and gets upset if her movement is restricted :) Typical 3 yr old!
