In the waiting...

Oh the waiting! Waiting to see what God is doing, what He`s going to do...sometimes I have a feeling of anticipation, to see how God will work this all out. Because it sure seems like He`s going to have to work a pretty big miracle! And the trusting...trust is hard for me. Period. And waiting is hard also :) I know when we were knee deep into the process and fundraising, I would see Gods provision and blessing...just not always in the way I thought it would be. Its funny, how we think that Gods blessings and miracles will be great miraculous things, when a lot of times it seems like they are so quiet we maybe don`t realize what it is at first.Maybe the miracle won`t be what I`m hoping it will be, but maybe a quieter miracle worked in my own heart.

But.

I`m finding God in the waiting, even though a lot of times it just feels like I`m all alone with this incredible grief and (sometimes) anger. Not just grief and sadness over the little girl that will never be ours, but also over what feels like the loss of a dream. Oh, we still have that dream, its just going to take a lot more work and trust than what we first thought. Maybe it will be soon (oh, how I hope) or maybe it will take many more years to see fruition. Only God knows! I try to be okay and trust God, and sometimes, I am successful, other times not so much. Other times the hurt and bewilderment and yes, anger, over how it has all turned out makes me ask WHY, and cry lots of tears. I can see God in this, but not how I thought it would be. I have a reluctant acceptance of things, and I *want to trust that God will work good out of all my feelings... I think its something like my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Oh, so weak!

Honestly?

Mostly its okay, deep down, but sometimes its not. Its just always there, close to the surface, and then it just comes out. And I know that this hurt is nothing compared to what others are walking through and I tell myself that it could be so much worse. And sometimes I feel so...I don`t know, like I need to just get over it! So I`m trying :)

And now, time is moving on, and I`m 18 weeks pregnant, still sick a good bit, tired (obviously, who isn`t when pregnant) and hoping my heart issue would maybe let up a bit so I could have a bit more energy. And still waiting on that burst of energy and feeling good that`s supposed to accompany the 2nd trimester?! I think it may be passing me by... But otherwise, its going well, and my heart is starting to open up to this child I`m carrying. Atley is praying "PLEASE let it be a boy" and the girls are just excited that a real live tiny baby will be coming to live at our house :) Mama is just praying for a happy baby that will sleep! And they are all still praying every night, "help us to adopt another little girl" which still makes my heart hurt a bit at those words.

And for your viewing enjoyment, a picture, so you can all see how big I`m getting :)

So we go on, one day at a time, trusting and hoping that God will make His plan known in His time. And trusting that He in knitting this child together in His perfection. The verse that says "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to His purpose" has taken on a new meaning for me. 

Blessings on your week!