So this is a tough post to write, in more ways than one. As you know, we were so excited for Mathans 30th birthday, because then we would be able to start actively looking for our little girl. Well, that came and went, and we found the most perfect little girl. She was so cute and perfect and I just loved her (still do) so so much. She felt like "my" little girl. So we went about the business of getting our paperwork ready to send to China, requesting permission to adopt her, and had it all ready in less than 24 hrs!! We weren`t letting any grass grow under OUR feet!!
Fast forward a few days....we become aware of a very unplanned and pretty shocking event to happen in our lives. Baby # 5 will be joining our family in August. There, I said it. I`ve been trying to be in denial over everything that has happened so quickly but theres no denying it anymore. So because of the pregnancy and some other factors, we lost our wonderful little girl. We can`t move forward with her adoption at this time. I won`t say that I understand or want it to be like this, my preference wouldn`t be this road. Its been rough, that`s maybe an understatement. On top of grieving this little girl, who felt like my own and was loved SO MUCH already, I have been pretty sick with morning sickness, which is pretty much all day sickness. I have so many questions for God, most of which I`ll probably never have an answer to. I was so angry...I worked through that and now I`m kindof at the trying to accept part. I know deep down in my heart that God is good, always, my brain just doesn`t always get the memo. I also feel like that for God to give us this baby, right now, at this point in time, knowing we would lose our little girl, it must be a really special child. I`m just going to be blunt and honest, because this is what I`m working through...I`m having trouble accepting this pregnancy...I know how that sounds, I know..its just the truth and I`m working through it. So prayers for that would be most welcome.
We still feel led to adoption, and after the baby is born we will assess everything and more than likely start the process back up. My heart is towards adoption, I believe in it so much. Part of me has questioned God as to why it is better to bring another child into this world, than for us to bring a child into a home that has no home or family right now. I can`t see the answer to this question yet, and maybe never will but I have to trust that God is working something out for our good. Someone shared a quote with me that made me sit back and think and gave me hope..."Don`t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I`m going to remember this.
I know there will be some questions regarding the money that people have so generously shared with us to bring our child home....at this time we still feel like there will be an adoption. It`ll just be a little longer down the road than we anticipated. If we come to a point where we feel we probably aren`t going to try again, we will return the money that we know who to give back to, and the rest we will pass onto another family that is adopting. If anyone has questions about this, please feel free to contact us. We want to be good stewards of what was given to us.
So in closing, we would ask for prayers as we work through this...this isn`t what we would have chosen but it`s where God has us for now. I would also ask for prayers for the little girl, that another family would see her and choose her, that she would have a family that will love her so much and teach her about Jesus. I can`t bear the thought of her staying in an orphanage, she needs to be loved. It hurts my heart to think about her, but I know God has a plan for her life also. I had bought some things for her...they have been put away and I don`t know if they will ever be gotten back out or not. Part of the reason I haven`t wanted to share this news with anyone is because I haven`t been in a good place to talk about the adoption or the pregnancy. Its coming but its still hard to talk about. If anyone has any questions please ask us, we will share. It literally feels like I lost one of my children that is here at home even though I never saw her in person or got to hold her. And thats probably what hurts the most, I`ll never get to see her, or cuddle her, or see her meet her siblings, who have prayed for her every night for a long time. I won`t get to see her meet her grandparents or her little cousins. But I will pray for her, that she will recieve all those things in another family.
Thanks for listening and if you feel to pray we would appreciate it!
Blessings on your week!
Kara ~ I am so sorry that you have to deal with this loss and know exactly what your talking about except with foster care we didn't have a "specific" child or gender, but none the less it was a loss. We had spent so much time thinking and talking about and doing classes that when we found out we were pregnant with our 4th, I felt the same way, but we knew God had a plan although we did not understand and over time He helped me to be excited about our baby and to love it and I cannot imagine our life without our Addie Grace! She is truly a joy!!! Fast forward 3 years to starting the process again and finding out we are expecting #5, but this time God had it that we would get licensed, but we have now been licensed for over a month and still have no placement, although we did respite for another foster family for a weekend, and there are days when I think why not God? You brought us this far and after waiting so long and our hearts are totally broken for these children and their families, but then I have to remember that once again even when we don't understand and we wonder why, that He still has a plan and that I don't have to figure it out. Sometimes that is a daily or moment by moment battle, but slowly He is showing me it is okay! I don't know if we will ever have a placement, maybe we are just to do respite or maybe this is a starting place for whatever He has for us, but I do know He knows and that I can rest in that. I know He will do the same for you, too and that if it is His will that a little girl from around the world will be a part of your family someday. :) Praying for you!!! HUGS!!!
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